Gosh, a year!

It’s really been almost an entire year since i’ve updated this thing – that is BAD!  I will try to be much better.

A few points of interest in the last year .

1 – noel got viral meningitis in September and then was struck with bells palsy while in Northside Hospital.  Praise God!  Why you ask?  Because that experience changed my husband drastically.  He is no longer the husband that I prayed for, God gave me the husband I could have never dreamed of!  We are in love all over again and I’m excited to see him everyday.  He is helping me to raise our girls and show them God’s love on a daily basis – he is my  best friend.

2 – noel’s office moved to downtown atlanta – he was dreading the commute – but he works M-TH from 7-4 and works from the house on fridays – so far he is really liking it

3 – Emily is a member of the Young Marines now and loves it – it has given her a lot of self confidence!  Grace is still taking ballet and will audition for a pre-company class called Timothy I this summer.

4 – I’m still in school and liking it – although some of these classes seem a bit useless – i don’t think i’m going to use anything i learn in intro to religion in my elementary class…

5 – today i begin a new journey – low-carb.  it was the only thing that worked for me before i had emily – it is hard and a bit restrictive, but worth it – weight watchers has not worked for me because it still allows too many processed carbs – this is hard because i’ve started and stopped so many times, but this time I’m hoping to let God help me more than I ever have before and to accept His discipline for my life in this area.

Well, that’s about it – i’ll update in a week or so with how LC (low-carb) is going.

Wandering

Have you ever felt like you just weren’t where you were supposed to be?  I feel that way a lot lately.  Especially in regards to my relationship with God.

There was a time, when i was a teenager, that i thirsted for Him.  That i would make a point to have quiet time on a daily basis with Him.  I went thru some pretty bad stuff as a teenager and I always reached out for Him first.  Fast foward oh about 20 years and I struggle to find that thirst.  I am so mad at Him at times that I just don’t want to talk, to Him or anyone else.  I have two awesome little girls and we have food on the table and a roof over our heads, and i’m not thankful.  How horrible does that sound?

it sounds pretty bad to me.  I fret over what i don’t have.  Over not having the marriage i think i should have, over not having the house i think i should have, over not having the health i think i should have.  It’s hard, especially the marriage part.  I love my husband, but there is something missing there.  I can’t put my finger on it and neither can he.  I don’t know what it is going to take to fix it and i worry each day that we never will fix it  – divorce seems like a likely path he might choose to take and we have discussed this so i know it could be my reality in a few years.  We limp along each day, there is no joy most of the time, just to go to sleep each nite so that we can get up and start over again.  I feel like i’m in the bottom of the pit and there is no way out.

I want to have joy – i want him to have joy – but i don’t know how anymore.  He doesn’t even think God can fix it or maybe it’s that he doesn’t feel God cares enough to help us – i don’t know.  I just know that he doesn’t want to talk to God about any of it and hasn’t for the last several years.  And it’s not something i can talk to him about – he just shuts down when i mention it. 

then here i am, not talking to God myself, and yet i’m judging him for not going to God?  i’m finding that i’m very judgemental in regards to that and have no reason to be.  I fear that part of him hates me.  For many years i was not the wife God called me to be, but i’m trying, my problem is that i try most days without God.  In my head i know that that will never work, but my heart isn’t catching up.  I guess the real question is, do i want what God has to offer, or am i arrogant enough to think that what I want is better for me than His offer? 

Am i going thru this for a reason?  Am i supposed to learn something from it?  Because right now all i’m feeling is heartache and abandonment – things i’ve experienced most of my life from my own parents.  How is God any different than the father who chose woman after woman over his own child?  How is He any different from the mother who blamed me over and over again for their divorce?  How is God any different from my husband, who as soon as i’m done with school and have a job, will possibly want to leave me and get a divorce?  Everyone leaves – how is God any different? 

Right now, i don’t feel that He is any different.  I’ve been crying out to him for over 2 years now to help heal my marriage and nothing – nothing – has gotten better.  My husband still says he is not in love with me anymore.  We still go to counseling and rehash the same problems meeting after meeting.  He still sees divorce as a viable option for us.  My heart is still breaking.  My eyes are still crying on a daily basis.  And I can’t do one thing to change it – and He has chosen not to help.

I’m lost, i’m angry, i’m scared, i’m worried, i’m heartbroken, i’m alone.  And i don’t feel that God cares all that much.